my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.