If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
moms in horror movies
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.