A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
You Might Also Like
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A dad and his duck
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me