me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.