universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”