i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Gemma Correll
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You have been warned.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.