Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me trying to walk in a dream
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off