Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Yup.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“i am a sweet baby”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.