How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
You Might Also Like
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
i baked you a cake
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts