[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
That’s enough internet for the day
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*