You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
good morning
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!