I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link