“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.