How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
how do y’all walk in shallow water
True.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.