My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…