I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The USS B port
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl