[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle