*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Cow it started Cow it’s going