GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Worth remembering.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes