Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways