Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.