“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.