At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain