Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I just tested negative for patience.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
house sitting!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.