Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Going into Monday like
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
The point of your 20s
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!