Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Not my job 😂
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Not all heroes wear capes….
Bed should get ready for ME