What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
And now we wait
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.