Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.