The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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😅😅😅
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Who did it better?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about