AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
You Might Also Like
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’d … I’d rather not.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.