My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
You Might Also Like
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags