*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.