How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet