what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
🔦🌙👣
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)