Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.