Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.