I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.