[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.