I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
the rocks need my help
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
i wish we could shoplift online
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god