Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Schrödinger’s cookie
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.