Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Danger is very dangerous
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.