“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.