My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”