Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.