“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Life hack
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: