a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
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Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sponch
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard