I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
All generalizations are stupid.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.