I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.