We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.