people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My five year plan is a meteorite
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.